People don’t know how to behave, but then again—no one’s ever known how to behave. The pandemic only entrenched and further enabled bad manners, social faux-pas and an overall regression in etiquette. It’s been two-years since most lockdowns were lifted and there’s been a shift—restaurants are open, you can smoosh your sweaty body against a stranger on the dance floor again, masks are gathering dust (though Violet Affleck has a thing or two to say about that). Given the time and place, there are a lot of things that are appropriate, but it seems that social grace in discerning the who-what-when-where-why of it all has lapsed.
I’ll give a minor story-time example: I was staying at my friend’s apartment in New York when a random number texted me. Leah was asking me to run a delivery for her the next morning at 7 o’clock, Paige had given her my number. I don’t know a Leah, but I do know Paige, given that it was her apartment I was staying in. It was 11pm on a Tuesday, a time I’m usually not awake to see, but I was thisclose to finishing my book and wanted that minor rush of pushing through tired eyes to read through to completion. What immediately riled me was not Leah’s ask, and subsequent paragraph long messages with detailed instructions of the job and payment, but that this figure was treating me like I was a 24/7 UberEats. I am not a service, I am a human. People tend to forget that about other people these days. I blame the commodification of bourgeois luxury: everything is on demand and everyone has access. It’s not such a rarified thing to get a car service or have groceries delivered to one’s doorstep, anything one could ever need is at one’s fingertips. This is probably why the ultra-rich are moving on towards private concierges, but again, easily forgotten is that just because you communicate to others through the very same Smartphone, and in a manner similar to how you would a known algorithm, it in no planet is the same.
THE CITY:
Keep the pace, no matter what
Bob and weave, slow down to speed up, cross the street if you’re a fast walker stuck behind a slow one, stay on the right.
Like church pews, treat subway cars and buses the same.
Sit or stand as far in as possible so no one has to climb over you. Don’t cluster by the door. Don’t sit in an aisle seat and leave an empty window seat next to you. Everyone will get in and out faster.
Don’t offer to help someone carry their stroller or heavy groceries if you can’t do a pull up or push up to save your life.
Quit loudly knowing things in small, intimate spaces. You’re ruining the vibes.
No, you didn’t see that person jump the turnstile.
Take back the sidewalk.
I don’t care if it’s Timothée Chalamet or an OOTD for TikTok, I’m walking here!
Yes, we hear the crying baby. I’m sure the parent is very aware of this too. Don’t stare.
Face up and away from your phone when you cross the street (even if you’re at a crosswalk and it’s green).
Don’t harp on people who go above 14th street or across the bridge.
The world is much bigger than you Nolita dirtbags think.
Don’t ride a Citi Bike if you don’t know how.
FRIENDS:
If you’re only hanging out with someone because you think they’re interesting, the type of person that has an ambiguous aura about them, an alluring trajectory and fascinating stories to tell…you yourself are only self-interested. Their qualities cannot be transferred by mere nearness, by osmosis. You’re still in charge of making good on your own life kiddo. Keep your motivations in check.
KEEP YOUR THUMBS STILL
No swipey swipey when a friend hands you their phone to show a photo or message (unless they’ve given prior permission to scroll).
When another person is presently with you, you should be presently with them.
If you have to, and I mean absolutely have to take a phone call or respond to a timely message, directly tell the person you’re with, “I need to take a moment to address this.”
You cannot cut someone off when they are knee-deep halfway through telling a story and you realize they’ve already told it to you.
Always offer to pay the bill, strip the bed sheets, send a card or flowers in the midst of good/bad life events without prompting.
Not everyone loves astrology, don’t keep asking them what their “big three” are.
No splitting the bill 50/50 if one person didn’t order drinks 😇
WORK:
Don’t force someone to share job progressions or regressions or stagnation if they’re not ready.
Rarely make it known just how impressed you are by others in your field.
The problem with being impressed by people is that it subordinates you and dehumanizes the other. If one party pedestals another, that person will inevitably seek the other’s approval and behave in a way that’s untrue to themselves. Degrees and professional accomplishments and physical beauty and fame are indeed impressive, but none are cooler than being authentic, kind and making lasting human connections.
that’s literally all I have because I work freelance in the arts, never in a traditional 9-5, but figured this code of conduct advice was applicable to every job and industry no matter the dynamic.
COMMUNICATIONS:
Never message the response ‘k’
okay, ok, kk are fine.
If you want out of a conversation, you can say, “Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer.”
While talking with someone, either a date, friend or someone you’re trying to listen to—if you find you’re talking a lot, ask yourself, “When was the last time I asked a question?”
Quit opening conversations with classist questions.
What is your job?
What neighborhood do you live in?
Where did you go to school?
These topics are boring and the answers are probably all answerable with a quick peek on their social media.
Listen to understand, not to respond.
There’s a big difference, HUGE. The silence in between sentences doesn’t always have to be filled, nor is it the time for you to silently draft what you want to say next. I’m looking at you fire Mercury placements.
INTERNET:
If you’re not an influencer, don’t post like one.
These are business people, that work for the internet. You are normal people. The mannerisms should be different.
Do not, under any circumstances, repost all of those “Happy Birthday” stories to your own.
If I see a set of live story dashes that are tinier than ants I’m unfollowing you.
You don’t have to answer something, just because someone on the internet asks you.
Parasocial relationships are on the rise given the chokehold social media has on society. What exchanges on social media do well are their massive service in connecting people but they simultaneously do a massive disservice in connecting people in appropriate proportion to the level of their relationship. Basically, we shouldn’t feel entitled to the access we have to everyone online in the same we do to a person we know in real life.
Your page, your rules.
Post like the wind. Hammer out multiple feed posts a week and never let your Instagram story die. Go MIA for three months, it maximizes engagement once you return. Curate a tasteful feed. Be meticulous about a carousel photo dump, then mess it all up with sporadic unplanned pictures for a week. Music on static posts are lame. Defy the incentive to always be on the right side of known, but only just enough. Use the Paris filter for all stories. Never filter a grid post.
Literally, never, ever, not even once, think that what you see if real. This whole thing is a simulation.
If something on the internet works you up, I suggest going to touch grass.
PARTIES:
You’re not allowed to scream “No spoilers!” because you haven’t kept up with The Bear. It kills the conversation.
Be clear about the kind of party you are hosting.
Is there a strict RSVP? Y/N.
Will there be food? Y/N.
Are plus one’s welcome?Y/N.
Will we be seated at party start time? Y/N.
Is this gift party? Y/N.
Decline any party invite that comes with an extravagant moodboard for guest attire such as ‘mod 70s disco sunset’
If you bring flowers, they should already be in a vase.
After the age of 18, no more demanding that your birthday be a week-long (or worse yet month-long) celebration.
This is adolescent behavior, you’re not xyz years young anymore. You’re old. Grow up.
Don’t keeping looking over the person’s shoulder for someone cooler or with more status to talk to.
Offer to bring down a bag of trash on your way out, and leave any food you brought, but can’t take home.
DATING:
Do not waste your 20s on random men
It’s okay to ghost.
If you know you like someone after a first date, there is no such thing as “too early” to text them after.
Just make sure it’s a mutual connection. Otherwise you’re coming on too strong buddy.
Letting people know what to expect is the best way to put them at ease.
Please tell me how fancy the restaurant is or what your definition of a “chill vs casual vs mild vs wild night” is.
If you were passive about planning the date, no harboring secret resentment for when you didn’t like how it went.
People are not mind readers! Show your appreciation please.
Ignore your Hinge match on the subway.
They don’t see me and I don’t see them. The express is still a sacred and safe route. Hallelujah.
Unless it becomes a frequent occurrence—address them kindly and briefly, all circumstances considered.
Stay classy! 💋
Xx,
Maggie